When Connection Fades

Understanding the Final Stages of Life.

What I've learned from the dying.

One of the hardest truths I’ve learned, both as a wife and as an End of Life Doula, is that as people approach the end of life, their capacity for connection begins to fade.

It’s not because they love us any less.

It’s not because we’ve done something wrong.

It’s because they are slowly turning inward, preparing to leave.

For family and friends, this can be deeply painful. We might feel rejected or confused. They may seem distant, irritated, or uninterested in things that used to bring joy. They sleep more. They are preparing for the transition. This is part of the process. Their energy is shifting; their focus is no longer on the outside world but on the inner journey ahead.

What We Can Do

There are still ways to connect, even when words and presence become difficult. Sometimes it’s through the smallest gestures soft music, gentle touch, reading aloud, or simply sitting together in silence.

I once had a client who became very agitated while waiting for his care team to bring his . I guided him through a meditation to his favourite place. Somewhere I had never seen with my own eyes, but I could see in my imagination from the stories he had described in detail from our long talks. Within minutes, his breathing slowed, his face softened, and calm returned. He was home in his mind, and that brought peace and then his care team arrived with his medication to find him resting peacefully.

At this stage, it’s not about doing more. It’s about being more present.

Being the steady calm in the room. Offer your love quietly, consistently, and without expectation.

A simple but powerful way to stay connected is through shared memory. Keep a book nearby for visitors to write down stories, moments, or words of love. These entries can be read aloud while your loved one rests, and they become a precious keepsake for the family after death, a testament to a life deeply lived and deeply loved.

This is a very sensitive and difficult time for love ones too. If you feel overwhelmed yourself, let your Doula or a trusted love one take over vigil for you to give you reprieve to regroup and be present. This is hard, probably the hardest thing you will ever do.

The Gift of Planning

One of the greatest acts of love we can give each other is communication before the final days come.

Conversations about how your loved one wants their vigil to feel, who they want to be present, what music they want or no music, how they want the room set, candles, essential oils, lighting, these are essential for bringing a sense of calm and peace. These don't have to be difficult conversations, but they can be if we aren't open to listening. They spare everyone confusion and heartache later.

This time is not for surprises or last-minute decisions. It’s for honouring the person’s wishes.

What I Learned With John

When my husband John was nearing the end of his life, I tried to create moments of connection, moments I thought would bring comfort and time to say goodbye. I arranged for our first grandson, Jack, who shared a beautiful, soul-deep bond with his Papa, to spend time with him without asking John. It was a surprise. A painful one. Even though my intentions were all about love I caused more emotional distress. I didn’t understand what John needed most to know what was happening. He didn't need surprises or something I thought was for his own good.

His heart was breaking. He was leaving us, and he had no control over the outcome. In that moment, my good intentions without communication caused more pain than comfort. John felt even more vulnerable and out of control, and Jack who adored his Papa was devastated. The rest of us who were there felt the weight of that pain too, a pain I never wanted for any of them.

The truth is his grandchildren all wanted to see him. They all love him. He was a steady, faithful, loving influence in their lives. I believed we had more time and that they would get to see him. But when the reality of his dying hit me I panicked. I chose the oldest who I felt would be able to handle the goodbye without thinking of the honestly of it all. None of us weee able to handle the goodbye.

I wish we had had a more in-depth conversation about letting his grandchildren come see him, but we didn't. There was so little time. So my advice is to have the conversations before the diagnosis or illness becomes life threatening.

Good intentions without communication can be disastrous.

Now I know better.

These are the conversations we need to have before the final days, while our loved ones still have the strength and clarity to share what matters most to them. When that time comes, they should be able to rest knowing we will carry out their wishes with love and peace.

The Gift of Communication

Talk about end of life with your loved ones.

Ask the hard questions. Share your fears. Speak your love out loud.

When the time comes, you’ll know you did everything you could to give them what they needed, not what you thought they needed.

Jack and John

Because in the end, love is found in understanding, presence, and peace.

Jack is growing into a man that John would not only love but he would respect and be so proud of who is becoming ❤️‍🩹

For more on this experience, I share this deeply personal story in my book The Hardest, Not the Worst Year: A Widow’s Journey, written from three perspectives — mine, John’s, and Jack’s.

My book is available on Amazon. I have also created a beautiful program using this book to help you unpack your own story of loss. Virtual one on one programs and group sessions available for spouses and for adult children who have lost a parent.

I am also an End of Life Doula. If you are curious or want to know more go to my website www.kathiepowell.ca

Love,

Kath