I'm not sure who they are but "they" say the second year is the hardest.
I heard this my first year and thought, "Really, you have got to be kidding me. The second year is harder than this?" I'm well into my second year and I'm not going to agree or disagree. I'm fence sitting on this. Why? Because the truth is what I experience you might relate to or not. Grief is a universal experience, yet universally unique to each one of us. I can't tell you your year will be the hardest or the worst. I can only sit with you and hold space for your story.
Here is my take on mid way through year 2....for me.
We made it through the 1st anniversary of losing him, January 24th, 2024. It was a simple, painful and beautiful gathering of our family. It wasn't elaborate or fancy, but it was just what we needed. We gathered, we ate his favourite food, talked about him, felt his presence, laughed and cried. We let balloons go in tribute and then went back to our lives. That's the part I think that stings the most. How has it been a year, how does my heart keep beating?
Shortly after this anniversary I thought to myself I think I am ready to get out there. There? Where...dating, finding a partner. You see I was part of a conversation with a daughter. She talked about how she had lost her mother. Her story was one of great love and loss. She talked about her father and how he had found a companion later in life and it was really nice for him. He was happy. Now for her, the daughter, it had given her so much relief, "he wasn't alone." This made me think if I found someone my own children wouldn't worry about me or feel obligated to take care of me. So I signed up for an online dating app. Oh dear lord, I did it on my own and had no one help me. I was kind of ashamed to be honest. What was I doing? I hadn't dated in over 44 years. John and I really didn't date we just fell madly in love very quickly and I'm still here, loving him.
So I entered my information, put up some pictures and oh yes had to pay for a membership. Ugh. Well, it was done and I waited. I waited and looked on the site to see if someone might send me a message. It felt awful and weird. Its this painful type of thing that brings you back to high school and hoping you will be accepted and maybe someone will ask you out. OMG.
I got a few likes and messages but nothing I was really into. I found the pictures hard to connect to and the descriptions written much like mine were like online shopping for "the one, Mr. Right", again OMG!!! Here is something that I did notice a lot of men don't take the best pictures, mostly you are looking up their noses or they are with another woman (maybe a child or friend) or holding a fish or my least favourite they are topless. None of this was appealing to me and how do you do this? I guess you just dive in with your eyes closed. Ugh.
Then there was a message from someone who liked what I said about being real, flawed and all. I'm not into being fake. That I wasn't a filtered kind of person. I looked at his picture and he had a really nice smile. I read his information and it seemed like we had a lot in common. We chatted online and then moved to a phone call. WTF. It was kind of fun. I was so nervous. But it was a good conversation. Then he suggested we meet for dinner. Again WTF was I getting into? I was like "so soon" he laughed and said "we aren't getting any younger" or words to that effect. That was true. So I made reservations and met him for dinner. What did I have to loose, right?
I didn't really know what to wear or how to feel. Like do you dress up? So I stuck to my no filter kind of me. Why would I show up any different? I wore a vintage band shirt, a long jacket, jeans and comfortable shoes (yes, I'm that old) I dressed in a way I was comfortable and that's all that mattered. He was already seated when I walked in. I saw him and walked over. He was wearing a really cool style of shirt it was like a vintage old school bowling shirt. I liked it. Meeting someone new can be awkward. This was only slightly awkward. We hugged casually and then started to chat. This part was easy. We laughed and shared our stories. He was a widower and was about a year ahead of me. Our dinner was really nice and we said goodnight with a hug and a friendly awkward kiss. He asked and I said yes...more out of just wanting to see what it felt like to kiss another man. Truth be told there were no sparks or intense feelings for either of us. But we did really like each other as people. I was curious to pursue this possibility of whatever this could or would be. It felt comfortable with no pressure.
Now remember I am 62 years old, my one true love died 1 year ago. John was someone I was always attracted too, physically, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. There were always sparks. So with this new experience I thought maybe that part of me died with John. Although I really hoped it didn't. But lets get real, I am 62, I have a 62 year old body, mind, spirit and heart...OMG. Cringe.
We talked over WhatsApp so we could see each other and our conversations were so good. We laughed a lot and had a lot in common. Grandchildren, daughters and lost the loves of our lives recently. He told me he was really attracted to me. It was really nice having a man to talk to if that makes any sense. It was even nicer to have a man find me interesting and attractive. I missed that. So, we decided to move along.
The next plan was for him to make dinner at my place and I won't lie, he was a great cook. It wasn't weird having him over. We listened music and drank some wine. Now, to back up a bit...I thought before he came to town we should discuss where he would be staying. We discussed this on his drive to town (he lived 3 hours away)perfect timing. NOT. I knew we would be having some wine, I didn't feel afraid to have him stay in the guest room. I would rather not have him drive after having a few glasses of wine. Anyway, I have a very large dog and he sleeps with me. So he stayed over. I know WTF … talk about sending mixed signals. Trust me there were no mixed signals. I was clear he would stay in the guest room. But this is something I would not do again. It was stupid.
We stayed up late talking and laughing. It was fun. We listened to music, we liked the same style. He was a musician so there was that connection too. Then we headed up the stairs after an awkward kiss at the bottom. There was nothing for me, no spark. He told me again he was very attracted to me but he would let me lead where this would go. Fuck. What was I doing?
He went to his room and I went to mine. I didn't sleep a wink. It was uncomfortable having him stay. Huge mistake and one I would deal with for another night. The next morning I made coffee and breakfast for us both we had a nice light conversation and then he had a tournament to watch for a granddaughter and I had a tournament to watch for one of my grandsons. Later we went for lunch with a friend and her husband. (I wanted her to meet him and give me her opinion. You see I didn't trust my own heart just yet). We all got along fine, but my friend said later that it all seemed forced and I looked uncomfortable. He was not right for me. After lunch he had more games to watch and the plan was to got out for dinner after he got back. My heart was nudging this wasn't right for me, not now and maybe not ever.
When he got back I was sitting on the stairs in my sweat pants and feeling very unsettled. I said didn't really feel like dinner. He was easy about it all. We turned on the game and watched it, talked and I know he could tell I was very unsettled. He was very kind and never pushy. We had water and an orange for dinner. Yeah I was there and if that didn't scare him off what would? We went off to our rooms early that night. No awkward kiss or conversation.
The next morning was the same scenario, I made coffee and breakfast. We talked and at this point I cried. I wasn't ready for any of this. John was all I wanted. I knew after that encounter I wasn't lonely for a man, I was longing for John. No man could compete with that. He listened and told me he could feel John all through the house, he was everywhere. He understood how I was feeling.
Shortly after he left for home. We continued to text and even met for lunch a few weeks later. On my way to lunch he called me (I was a bit irritated by the call because I needed the GPS and the call interrupted it, I have no sense of direction and I was going somewhere I'd never been) As I went to answer I looked at the dash the clock said 11:11. One of my angel signs from John. What did this mean? Was John telling me not to forget him, not to do this? Or to trust my gut? I could here him say "Kath, for once learn to trust yourself yourself, your own knowing." Boom! Thanks babe. Always listening and not forming an opinion - he was telling me to listen to my heart.
After that lunch, which I was very uncomfortable (I felt nauseous which a sign for me that something is not right), he sent me a text message because he wanted to come over to drop off some coffee. I told him I wouldn't be home and he said no worries that he would put it in the mailbox. I started to panic I didn't want to see him and have to explain everything in words. I was much better over text, I wouldn't get emotional. So, yes I stopped it all over a text message. I was that person. I was so afraid he would come over and I wasn't ready to deal with any of it emotionally. I felt awful, and embarrassed. I wasn't ready to date or be in any kind of relationship.
He was like he always was in our short very important relationship. Kind, understanding and non judgmental. He told me a similar thing had happened to him after his wife died. He stepped out too soon too. He started back into the world of dating when he was really ready. He was very compassionate with my heart. I hope he finds someone who connects with his spark and passion for life. He deserves someone really special. It just wasn't me. I will always have a special place in my heart for him and I think of him as an old friend. We have chatted a few times but nothing to much. I think our time has run its course and he is looking for his next love. I am not.
Was this hard, did it hurt? Yes, but I wouldn't change the experience. I know my own heart and I've learned to listen it. The cards for me right now are I have no room for another man in my life. My children can love on me and help me and I am okay with that. It doesn't make me weak or less than. Its okay to ask for help.
So do I think my year two is harder so far... well, lets see...
In year two, I wrote a book called "The Hardest, Not The Worst Year. A Widows Journey.", went to Italy with my sister, created a new brand for my business, did more training in End of Life, finished the modules for volunteering for hospice, spent more time with my family and friends, opened up a little room for grief which hold space for grievers on their own journey and started to play pickleball. Its been another year of personal and professional growth. My grief is not less, its more familiar. The grief backpack I carry I can't put down. I have learned to adjust to the weight of it. It shifts daily, hourly and sometimes within minutes. Some days are easy and some days are difficult but I cannot say year two is harder. Its all hard and really its all about how we move through our lives. Do we embrace the suck, that painful hard stuff, as we learn and grow or do we stay stuck in the pain unable to move. I've done both. My heart is to continue to live and love as I move through this life I've been given, embracing it all. There is beauty in messiness of my grief.
Over the next few months I am going to try an art class, go up in a hot air balloon, go to an entrepreneurial get together (way out of my comfort zone) put myself out there to do some public speaking and continue to work with and coach my grievers and to be a support person for those who choose me to be there during their end of life. I am choosing to live and love my life as I carry my grief and honour others in theirs.
Year two for me has challenges and rewards just like year one … only different. I am more present in the moments, maybe that's why "they" say its harder. Year two has much to offer me and I am embracing it as it comes with all the tears and the laughter.
If you are struggling, I am a grief educator and coach. I offer education and coaching online. Check out my offerings page and if you have any questions please feel free to book a discovery call and we talk.
Love from,
Kath
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