The things we've been taught aren't always true ...

I don't know about you but I was taught as a child that if I was feeling anything other than happy to keep those thoughts to myself.

"No one wants to see those tears!" "Are you crying? "I will give you something to cry about!" "Don't feel bad, have a cookie." 'If you are going to cry, go to your room." Oh and the ever popular "Big girls don't cry." or "Boys don't cry."

Makes me ponder why there is so much anger and violence in the world. Hmmm....grief will show up in many ways. It can show up disguised as anger, exhaustion, illness and brain fog to name a few.

We learn cope (hide our pain) by trying to numb it. Here are some things we might have learned to help us cope (numb)from those uncomfortable feelings of loss ... drinking, eating, sex, exercise, cleaning, sleeping, scrolling social media, shopping, workaholism, isolation and the list goes on and on. Now some of this in moderation can be okay, its when it becomes obsessive or destructive we might need to seek help. There is no shame is asking for help.

When I think of these life lessons we have been taught, my heart hurts for the people teaching them to us because they were taught too, by people who loved them. Heck, I taught my own children in the early days. I didn't know how to sit with pain, I only knew how to avoid it. I made lots of cookies. You see we are thought a lot of things without words. Actions speak louder than words.

I don't remember ever seeing my mother cry even when something sad happened. I remember her going to her room. I certainly never saw my dad cry. I saw my mother smoke, shop or eat. I saw my father drink or eat. These are things I think were the ways they coped to numb their own pain of loss, disappointment, challenges and life. We did see anger as children but not tears, a least I didn't see tears. Even when my mother died I didn't see my father cry, I saw him drink. I didn't cry, I got busy.

A a child to avoid those painful (wrong) feelings I was given a cookie or some kind of snack to feel anything other than the sadness, grief or pain. (Please note no feelings are wrong. Feelings are data and so important) Here is the thing, eating only distracted me for a moment, it didn't take the pain away. As I grew older I had to increase the distraction which resulted in an eating disorder after a horrific sexual assault when I was 16 years. I kept the assault to myself and buried it deep down within my heart. I did all I could to eliminate the pain by doing what I knew would comfort me. So, in that I gained and lost weight (a battle I would fight unsuccessfully for over 40 years), and the viscus cycle of self-loathing, binging, restriction and shame began as I tried to gain control through food over my body and my heart. The sad thing here is I had no control, my eating disorder gained all the control and became my dirty big secret. I lived in shame, hidden deep within my grief.

I gained many new coping skills and adapted some I learned from watching my parents. Shopping was huge and still can be along with food. I became a master at keeping busy, losing and gaining weight as I tried to out run my pain of loss and hurts of life.

In 2020 when the world shut down that one time, my grief had no where to hide. I was in it up to my eyeballs (I couldn't stop crying) I was angry and I was inconsolable. I was hard to live with. My husband held space for me and sat with me as I tried to process all of this emotion that was so deeply uncomfortable. That is when I reached out and started therapy. I also took the Grief Recovery Method. (Its not about recovering from grief its about recovering from our pain of loss and learning its okay to grieve and feel our lives) It was such a powerful moment in my life that I became an Advanced Grief Recovery Method Specialist. It gave me freedom to feel without shame, using the new tools I had been taught and the ability to put language to my feelings so I could move through them. I wanted everyone to learn about this process. I want everyone to understand that feeling grief, sadness, joy, love and life were all things we should and will feel.

When we numb our sadness we numb joy.

After learning about my grief and my losses I realized I had something else I needed to work through. In 2022 I went into Eating Disorder Recovery working with a ED dietitian and therapist. It is an ongoing process. John so wonderfully supported my journey that whole year and encouraged my process, although he did not understand it. That is another story.

Healing is an ongoing process, recovery is an ongoing process. Its hard, its messy, it hurts and its life giving. Believe me it worth the journey.

Now back to feelings. Since learning about grief and experiencing tremendous loss I can honestly say I feel my life fully. Its not always easy and sometimes I run back to old habits because it hurts. But I understand what's happening and I can use the tools I've learned to help me work through my pain. Living fully hurts some of the time and some of the time is feels so incredible your heart feels like it could burst.

Grief and healing are an ongoing.

I've been working with grievers for 4 years now and its the most rewarding work I have ever done with the most beautiful humans I have ever had the honour and privilege to work with and help guide. I have a lifetime of experience, continuing education, compassion and empathy to bring to the table as I walk beside you. I can't carry your pain but I can witness it, hear it, believe it and honour it as you do the heavy lifting. Grief is sacred work, its hard, it hurts, it takes courage and a willingness to be honest with yourself. I love this work with all my heart.

We will learn as we evolve that not everything we are taught by the people who love us is true. They taught us from what they believed to be true, taught by people who loved them. We believe them. We can't do better until we know better.

Think about learning from a young age that all feelings are valid and that if you feel them you can move through them and not have to go to therapy 20, 30, or even 40,50 years later trying to unpack all the pain and loss you've accumulated over your lifetime. It takes time to unlearn these things but its worth it so you can feel your life fully. Also note I think therapy is a very useful and can give us tools to embrace our lives.

Grief and joy can and will coexist. The goal in life is to embrace it which means feeling it. Our job is to teach the next generation that is okay to feel, and no feelings are bad. Giving them the understanding that when you feel your feelings, you move through them so you won't get stuck in them and your life becomes fluid.

If you are feeling stuck in your pain and want to learn some new things to help you process please contact me. Go to my offerings page, book a discovery call and we can talk about what you feel you need and if we can work together on your journey of loss.

Love from,

Kath