The Pain of Judgement with Grief

Here's a judgement we don't often talk about regarding grief. It's just another painful part we experience on this journey. So, I'll talk about it.

This judgement is often from other grievers.

That surprises some. So many of us believe those of us who know grief most intimately would automatically understand another person’s pain. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we are the safest people you’ll ever meet. But sometimes grief creates something else. It creates rules, invisible ones created from untruths we've been taught.

You've heard them...rules about how long you should grieve

Timelines for how long to grieve.

You need to be strong for ... everyone else.

If you just keep busy you will feel better.

You should be over it by now.

These rules are some doozies...

How often you should cry.

Whether you should still wear your wedding ring.

Whether you should clean out the closet.

Whether you should date again.

Whether you should laugh.

Whether you should smile in photos.

Whether your house should still look exactly the same.

It's a long and varied list of does and don'ts ... it's exhausting.

Somewhere along the way, many of us inherited an unwritten rule book about what “good grief” looks like.

The problem is…that book doesn’t exist.

Why Do We Judge?

Most judgement isn’t born from cruelty. It’s born from our own pain. When we are grieving, we search desperately for meaning. We want to know we’re doing it “right.” We want reassurance that our love mattered. So when we see someone grieving differently than we are, it can feel unsettling.

If she’s dating after a year…does that mean I should be? If he’s laughing at a family gathering…

…am I grieving too much?

If they’ve found joy again…

…what does that say about me?

Comparison sneaks in quietly. And comparison almost always leads to judgement.

Sometimes we judge because we need to believe our own choices are the “correct” ones. But grief was never meant to be standardized.

Love Cannot Be Measured by Suffering

I’ve watched widows be told they found love “too soon.” I've been told that. I was also asked at Johns celebration of life ... would I ever marry again? True story.

I’ve seen and heard people questioned about whether they really loved their spouse because they travelled again, laughed again, or opened their heart to someone new.

I’ve heard the whispers.

“She moved on.”

“I could never do that.”

“If she really loved him…”

Here’s what I know.

Grief is not proof of love.

Love is proof of love.

The years you shared.

The ordinary Tuesday mornings.

The arguments.

The vacations.

The arguments.

The compromise.

The hospital rooms.

The inside jokes.

The quiet moments.

Those moments are proof. Not how long someone wears black. Not whether they remarry. Not how many tears they cry in public.

Love cannot be measured by suffering.

We Don’t All Love the Same Way

No two people love the same. So why would we expect them to grieve the same? Even within the same family, grief looks different. Two siblings can lose the same parent and experience entirely different emotions.

One may become quiet. Another may become busy.

One needs to talk. Another needs silence.

Neither is wrong.

I have had people tell me they aren't grieving right because they don't cry enough because their sister does. Comparison doesn't work. She was not an outward expressor where her sister was very demonstrative. You grieve how you grieve.

The same can be true after losing a spouse. Some people need years before they can imagine another relationship or they could never love again. Others discover that loving again doesn’t replace the person who died it expands the heart that learned how to love so deeply in the first place. Neither path dishonours the love that came before.

The Hidden Cost of Judgement

Judgement doesn’t usually change behaviour.

It changes honesty. Pause for a moment with that.

People stop talking about how they’re really doing.

They hide their happiness because they’re afraid someone will think they’ve forgotten, gotten over or didn't love the person they lost. They hide new relationships because they don’t want to be criticized.

It's gets so bad that we start apologizing for smiling like we do for crying. They feel guilty for healing.

They silence themselves to make other people comfortable. It's another burden to carry on top of grief and grief is already exhausting. Grievers don’t need to add pretending to the workload.

What If We Chose Curiosity Instead?

Imagine replacing judgement with a simple question.

Instead of:

“I could never do that.”

What if we thought:

“I wonder what that journey has been like for them?”

Instead of deciding someone has moved too fast…

…we became curious about what helped them survive. Instead of measuring another person’s grief…we honoured that their story is different from ours.

Curiosity creates connection.

Judgement creates distance.

There Is No Medal for Suffering

Sometimes, without realizing it, we begin believing that staying stuck in the pain somehow honours the person we lost.

As if living is a betrayal.

As if healing means forgetting.

It doesn’t.

You do not have to prove your love by remaining broken. You do not have to earn the right to laugh again. You do not have to stay frozen in time to prove your love for someone who mattered.

Healing is not forgetting, its not moving on and it's not dishonouring. Healing is ongoing, it's hard work, it's learning to carry your grief and embrace your life.

An Invitation

If you’re grieving, I hope you’ll give yourself permission to stop measuring your journey against someone else’s. And if you’re watching another griever, I hope you’ll resist the temptation to decide whether they’re doing it “right.” None of us knows what it feels like to live inside another person’s heart.

We only know our own.

Your grief is yours.

Your love is yours.

Your life is yours.

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can offer one another is this:

Less judgement.

More curiosity.

More compassion.

The truth is grief is hard enough without asking people to perform it. Let’s allow one another to be ourselves as uniquely beautiful, honest, unfiltered human beings.

Things to ponder:

Judgement doesn’t usually change behaviour. It changes honesty.” 

"You can’t heal who you pretend to be."

If you need some support, have questions or would like to be heard book a free discovery call.

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Love from,

Kath

❤️