In Canada Thanksgiving is a few days away, other countries celebrate similar dates and some don't celebrate this holiday at all. Either way the holidays are fast approaching.
The holidays after losing someone are hard—there’s no way around it. What used to be a time filled with traditions, laughter, and togetherness suddenly feels hollow, like something vital is missing. And that’s because it is, they are. Grief changes everything for you, including how you experience the holidays. While the rest of the world seems to be gearing up for joy and celebration, you might feel like you’re standing still, unsure how to participate—or if you even want to.
The expectations that come with the holidays can feel like too much. We can have an unrealistic image of how things "should be", what traditions should be upheld, and how we should show up. For many who are grieving, they often don’t have the bandwidth for the façade. There can be internal or external pressure to be something they are not, or to act like things can be the same as before. This can feel overwhelming—and that’s because it is overwhelming. You're not the same person, and the holidays won’t be the same either.
One thing I’ve learned is that there’s no cookie-cutter way to walk through this season of grief. Whether it’s your first holiday without them or your 21st, it can be emotionally draining. It’s going to look different for each of us. Some people throw themselves into holiday traditions, hoping the routine will provide comfort. Others choose to step back and take a breather, deciding not to participate in large gatherings or any holiday activities at all. And both choices should come without judgement, they are what you need in this season. It can change from year to year. You have to do what feels right for your heart, even if that means skipping the family dinner or limiting your involvement in other get-togethers.
The truth is, it’s important to be present with whatever form the holidays take. We often feel like a part of us died with the person we lost, but at the same time, a part of them still lives on in us. That push-and-pull is part of the grieving process. It’s what makes the holidays feel so conflicting. You may find yourself smiling at a memory one moment and then overwhelmed by sadness the next. It is what it is. Grief is full of contradictions—it’s joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, all wrapped into one. Not one better than the other, they just are.
Holidays are usually painted as a time for happiness, but when you’re grieving, they can be some of the saddest days of the year. And here’s the thing—sometimes you might find yourself doing okay. You might laugh at a joke, find comfort in a shared memory, or feel a flicker of joy amid the tears. That doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your loss or moved on. It just means you’re living with both grief and love, side by side, which is what the holidays, and life after loss, really look like. Grief is love.
One of the best things you can do for yourself during this time is to be gentle. Don’t put unnecessary expectations on yourself or others. You don’t have to show up in any specific way or hit any certain emotional markers. You’re allowed to take a step back if that’s what your heart needs. If a large family gathering feels too overwhelming, it’s okay to bow out. Truth is you might feel like you don't want to be around people one minute and the next you feel like you need them. Maybe you need to spend this year with a few close people so as not overwhelm yourself. Honour that need. You’re not obligated to meet anyone’s expectations, including your own.
And if you do decide to participate, come into these moments without forming rigid ideas of how they should go. Maybe you’ll enjoy yourself, or maybe you’ll feel like an outsider, disconnected from the joy others are feeling. Both are okay. What matters most is that you honour your process, whatever that looks like.
Don’t do more than you’re able to handle. And don’t feel pressured to engage in anything that doesn’t serve your soul, your grief, or the meaning that still lives within you. Whether you’re lighting candles for them, quietly remembering them, or creating new traditions that feel more manageable, know that you’re doing enough. You are enough.
Walking through the holidays after a loss is one of the hardest parts of grief, but it’s also an important part of the journey. These days will be different—they can be sad, quiet, and sometimes unbearable. But there may also be moments where you find joy within the sorrow. Meet those feelings without judgement. There’s no one way to grieve during the holidays, and there’s no right or wrong way to get through them. Just be present with whatever comes up, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel everything that arises.
These holidays will look different, but they’re still part of your journey—and however you choose to navigate them, know that you’re doing the best you can. And that’s enough, its always enough.
I am not giving you permission to feel any way other that what you feel. I’m sharing my thoughts and experience on this upcoming season. Feel what you need to, do what you need to, to make it through. Talk to someone you feel safe with and allow yourself to be honest within this process. Be around people you love and who love you if you can. Talk about them, share stories, bring them into this season with you.
Love from,
Kath
You are invited ...
On November 16th from 7pm -9pm MST is our next virtual "Grief over Dinner" This month's theme is grief over the holidays with myself and Stirling as your hosts. Click the link to secure your spot at our virtual table. Limit is 7 guests. Link open till November 9th. Once you have paid for your seat you will receive an email with information, heartwork (3 things - 1 to read, 1 to watch, 1 to listen to) one week before our virtual dinner party. These evenings are always beautiful encounters with deep connections and conversations. I hope to see you there.
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